I will never forget the feeling of disgust I felt as I was driving towards the Taco Bell drive thru each morning. I would think to myself “Why am I doing this?” I actively knew I wasn’t doing anything to better myself, yet I couldn’t stop my actions. I was weak. I was depressed and I thought that food would fix it. I would eat, feel momentary joy, and then feel immediate guilt. This cycle continued for about 16 months. I was making myself crazy by desperately wanting to change, but not doing anything to actually CHANGE.
I will never forget the feeling of disgust I felt as I was driving towards the Taco Bell drive thru each morning.
When I had my first child, I was unprepared with how hard it would be to lose the weight I had gained in my “free-for-all” pregnancy. Between children, I began drinking and returned to fad dieting. After having my daughter, I suffered with postpartum depression. I started drinking every night, and burying my depression and frustration in food. I realize now that this lifestyle not only affected my body, but it affected my attitude, which affected my relationships, including my friends and my husband. I remember being terrified to commit to a new diet because I knew it meant I would have to give up drinking (which would force me to face my feelings) and the foods that I loved, which I sadly and mistakenly believed were the only things that brought me joy.
After a well-meaning ultimatum from my husband and sister, I started a pretty intense three-month diet and exercise program out of OKC. I kept hitting goals in the program, which felt great, but I would feel terrible guilt and shame each time I backslid. Food was still in control. As I went through the program, small things started to gradually change. I started to slowly realize that my successes and failures were determined by my own choices, and that junk food didn’t make me feel as great as it once did.
After hitting a year on my plan, and with my husband’s support, I decided to compete. After months of strict training and a devastating loss on stage, I felt as if all my work meant nothing. I had desperate thoughts of redemption on my mind, and suddenly all I wanted to do was WIN something. At this point, my amazing trainer asked me to take a step back and evaluate what it was I wanted out of all of this. He told me that even if I had won that would not make me feel any better. He said “what makes you happiest? What makes you want to get up every morning?” When I had no answer to give him I knew I had some soul searching to do. I realized then that I was not happy existing in the all-or-nothing mentality. I was happiest when I felt in control of my life and my food choices, but also wasn’t depriving myself. Instantly I knew that I wanted to help other people feel that way too.
For the first time in my life, I have control, and it is because I have practiced discipline for so long that I have formed solid daily habits that move me closer to my goals every day. I don’t beat myself up anymore over “eating something bad” because I now recognize that there are no “bad foods.” Food is just food, and when you place any more importance upon it than that, you give it control. I find it ironic that the word that people used most frequently to describe “Old Caroline” was “irrational.” Now, I am described most as “relatable.” This is only because I am sharing my story and my struggles with you.
Food is just food, and when you place any more importance upon it than that, you give it control.
Today I am teaching women how to enjoy food freedom while still reaching their goals, through Community with Caroline. In our Community, NOTHING is off limits. Free meals are a staple, there is no guilt or shaming, and everything is done in moderation. The only rules I implement are no negative self talk and no dwelling on the past, because neither are conducive to a healthy relationship with food or yourself. We practice learning discipline in order to succeed on the days that motivation doesn’t show up. I have said this before and I will say it again, if I can do this, then so can YOU!
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What are your goals? To lose weight? To gain muscle? To live a healthier lifestyle? To learn how to fit the foods you truly love into your diet? What about dedicating yourself to never being on a “diet” again? Joining Community with Caroline will provide you freedom for the first time in your life. Join us and receive instant access to fun & challenging workouts, a realistic meal plan with no restrictions, and access to the most amazing community of like-minded women ready to help you meet your goals!